It takes a lot for a person like me to be to feel okay. Where I’ve been and what I’ve seen have permanently damaged my visuals on a normal life, so to get to a point of normalcy is huge. A small sentiment that most would take for granted, I have to work hard daily to maintain. Finding that happy medium on a rollercoaster of emotions that can trigger like a lightbulb at any moment while pinpointing the groove that gets the ball rolling is invaluable. All I’ve wanted these last 5 years of therapy is peace and after letting go of as much drama as humanly possible I felt like I finally found that. The need to scratch an itch that wouldn’t go away was suddenly not a necessity, I hit a point of calm that I hadn’t experienced in my entire life. So naturally, why wouldn’t a worldwide virus pandemic force me out of my comfort zone, into my own home for months without notice or inclination to an end?
That’s the problem with life. We get to a point where we feel that it’s going to be okay and it turns out to be the introduction to the Book of Revelations. Fortunately, this is the exact moment where my beast shines. Things were way too easy for a short period of time, my senses started to feel numb from anxiety and stress and I almost forgot what it was like to be different. Although, this time is not the same. I’ve grown and transformed my life to be in a position of security and peace. That was something I knew I could do but never gave myself enough credit, once it came. These are the times that I can really take a second to breathe in the sacrifices and soak up how incredibly lucky I’ve been to be here, right now, in this moment.
And here we are. In what seems like deja vu into a centennial reminder of the bubonic plague that hit America in 1920, the uncertainty of tomorrow is leaving us all on edge. A month ago I started following the Situation Reports posted on the World Health Organization’s website daily to notify the general public of the progression or decline of the Coronavirus. 1,807 daily confirmed positive test results in the world slowly started rising before my eyes. 1,807 became 4,000 daily. Then 4,000 to 16,000 within a week and on April 4th, 79,332 people in one day with confirmed positive results. Watching these reports was a daily reminder of how numbers in my face raised my anxiety levels higher than any COVID-19 content could contain. I found myself indulging into Corona-mania, becoming a manic in my own head with information I was feeding it. I’m blessed in many ways throughout this pandemic. My job started the process of dispersing laptops to our entire worldwide staff at the beginning of March and all of a sudden I got a brand new screen for a home set up professional enough for a full home office on March 14th. How serious was this? The biggest firm in the world who represents some of the biggest brands are spending millions on equipment for nothing? No. This was serious and the fear instantly began.
Week 2 of quarantine and chill and my brain had took me back to the person I was in 2015. My anxiety hasn’t been this bad since before my breakup with my husband in 2016 and as quickly as I thought I finally had it all together, it was taken away. As prepared as I kept assuring myself I was for the end of days, I felt selfish for not appreciating this time locked in my home and the fear of the unknown was like water filling up a glass half-empty and I was smack dab in the middle awaiting my overflow. I wasn’t diagnosed with COVID-19 but I was drowning in it. My positive mindset that I worked so hard to build up was suddenly not mine anymore, I hadn’t stepped out of the house in weeks because my fear became my reality. The day I stepped outside was the day I realized that I was so stuck in my own brain I didn’t have time to think for myself. A few weeks of isolation was all it took to take me back to my worst self and I was so fucking ashamed of it. That was the day I set up my appointment with my therapist after almost 6 months of no sessions.
Sometimes it isn’t about what we’re not doing but about everything else that we are. The point of time where we realize that we’re human, facing our fears in the light of catastrophe seems minuscule compared to what us as human beings are enduring at the moment but it is a tiny piece of the big puzzle that we need to survive this. I may not be a high elected official that can make decisions for the country and I am not a celebrity with high status and a bigger bank account to give to those in need. What I can do is offer my point of view as raw as possible, to show others around the world that they are not alone. I am an individual that has created a bubble around what I felt I needed and a routine was always on the top of that list. Allowing my illness to jump back in action in such a powerful way, with vengeance as if it was pissed that I learned to live without it, is a hard pill to swallow. But it fucking happens. Pandemic or no pandemic, blue skies or tornadoes, we have to be in charge of the single piece of puzzle that we can control. Without you, this big picture of a virus-free world cannot be visualized. We need to do this together.
After this is all said and done, I’ll still be the same. I’ll still be different. What will change is my appreciation for the little things we take for granted on a daily. The ability to change a person’s day with a smile, the farmers tan that you get from driving too much or the hour long commute to work that you had all to yourself. Take this time to give your mind and soul the self-care you’ve been dying to have all these years. Kiss your kids a little stronger at night, knowing you’ll have all day to have them in your arms. Love the life you’re living at the moment and do what you need to keep your piece of the puzzle intact because when this is all over with, every single piece is important. I’ll stick to my new routine, taking a breather outside, running a few miles when I can, sneaking into bed with my sleeping boys right after my midnight shift, and continuing my therapy sessions, as needed. Whether this is the beginning of the end or it’s just getting started, social distancing cannot take the best of us.
My heart and prayers go out to those who are on the front line of this integral point of our history. Your dedication and diligence is not going unseen or without thanks. Let us all do our part in looking out for each other, even those who seem to have it all together and be kind to those still working. It’s okay to not be okay, we are all in this together.
From the comfort of my home, God loves you and so do I.
Love Always,
XO
