As Mothers Day has came and passed and my oldest son’s birthday has arrived, I can’t help but think about my journey as a mother. The greatest lesson in life, a daily reminder of who you are at that moment in time. Once you become a mother your years are based at the fingertips of these humans that were created in you. I’m not 30 years old anymore, MY KID IS 12. A level of reality that strikes to think where you were and who you are now, praying that it holds some significance and adds a sense of wisdom to your life. My life is no longer about how old I am and where I go, it’s about holding my responsibility to the lives of my kids. Providing opportunities and experiences to be well rounded and cultured. To recognize poverty levels and be thankful for what they have. To prepare them for the world as an adult, self sufficient and hard working individuals. My days are based on the growth and accomplishments of my children, regardless of how far I’ve came in life as an individual. Motherhood is a lifelong natural commitment of love and understanding, to your kids and to yourself.
Behind every mother is a life, the struggle to survive through daily battles while balancing a healthy home for your kids. The pressure is sickening, leaving women around the world obsessed in their mind about whether or not they are considered a “good mom.” What is the definition of a good mother? Is there even a clear cut idea of what makes someone that? Is it because you throw your kids the best birthday parties? Because if so, I’m screwed. My kid hates birthday parties. Is it because you are involved in their school activities, go above and beyond at all community events? Yeah that one screws me too. I spend 60 hours a week commuting and working a full time job in Downtown Chicago. I choose to work, is that wrong? My 9 month old is in daycare from 7:30-4:00 Monday through Friday and my husband makes enough money to handle the bills, so does that make me selfish? A mother can’t help but question her actions, not in regards to herself but for her children. We have this constant weight on our shoulders that questions our decisions, hoping and praying that we’re doing everything we can for our kids. Hoping that the world will see us as “good mother’s.”
Living around prying family and friends every woman deals with the constant questions of life. Where’s your boyfriend? When’s the wedding? Of course the zinger, when are you having kids? I’ve came to the realization that society is different now. More and more women are choosing to progress in their careers with or without children. When I started my relationship 9 years ago I knew I wanted to give this special man a child. The question was, when? I personally wasn’t ready.
Yes, having a child at 18 has a sort of stigma that follows it and I REFUSED to become that statistic. That girl that gets caught in the cycle of kids after kids without personal growth. That’s what being a teen mom feels like, the world is judging you based on what you end up doing with yourself. No doubt, having my child did change me. I felt myself making better decisions but I was also still a child. I grew up with my kid. The constant questions of, “Is that your little brother?” No, asshole, that’s my son.
The second after marrying my husband at 24 years old, it was expected to have a child. The reminders of him being 11 years my senior and he was only getting older. I still wasn’t ready. My son had gone passed the terrible toddlers and was becoming the independent kid parents only hope for. I wanted to enjoy my life with my new husband, not worry about whether or not my child had someone to play with.
For the record, it was right of me to go with my gut feeling. Yes, I made a lot of excuses to avoid the fact that I just wasn’t ready. I had a child and I wasn’t ready for another. A decision that was right for me, at that moment in time of my life. Thankfully, I made that decision before my entire life changed. After the loss of my close cousin and the trauma that followed a horrific incident that left me mourning a second cousin just a few months later, my heart and mind were torn to pieces. This joyous soul that had always been so full of energy was all of a sudden numb. A depression that left me completely emerged in my thoughts and lost in my emotions. I had stopped being that mother I had always seen myself as and I hated myself for it. My marriage fell to pieces as I used every excuse in the world to stay away from home. Numbing my emotions through substance abuse, shutting myself from myself.
As my marriage had began to wilt, I debated having a child to fix our woes. The thought of bringing a child into this world to mend a broken marriage made me cringe, so I walked away. A decision to this day that I will never ever regret. I couldn’t bring a child into this world and have an unspoken resentment towards my offspring. That is what it would be, an unresolved situation that would’ve made things worse. I hated myself at this point, so how could I love a child?
The child I did love, resented me. He hated the fact that I walked away from a man that raised him as his own. By the time we ended I spent so much time away from home, depressed, our relationship had dwindled too. For the sake of my relationship with my child I needed to walk away. We needed time to reconnect as the team we were before I met my husband. It needed to be about us. I had became the bad guy, the hardest role I had to take on in our relationship as mother and son. He was too young to understand the complexity that came from our separation. He didn’t know the details so to him, it was my fault. I took fault, with everyone. It was easy to take blame for the world but for my son to place me in that hole, it was a mirror I had never seen before. Young enough to not quite understand but old enough to call me out on my bullshit. I had to open a line of communication that had faded over my year and a half depression. He was afraid to upset me at this point and I was terrified of him shutting me out. I had to let him be brutally honest with how he was feeling and if he didn’t agree with what I was doing. He needed to show me how to fulfill his needs as his mother.
Regardless of all my woes, my child adores me. Unconditionally attached to his mommy who’s always loved him more than life itself. He knew there was something wrong with me but didn’t quite know what. I had to be as brutally honest with him as he was with me, it hurt but it was necessary. It took months to get him comfortable but with time alone in our own space we built a new relationship with each other. A level of understanding that I could’ve never gotten without him. A time in my life that drama from leaving an 8 year relationship was surrounding my life and none of it mattered. The only person I was worried about was my son.
That is what being a mother is about. Sacrificing the worlds bullshit for the happiness of your children. Taking the step back from people and places that aren’t conducive to your home. Protecting your child from toxic surroundings, regardless if it hurts their feelings. Dropping everyone and everything to fix and mend a relationship with the number one person in my life, my child. Thats what it took for me to realize that my life as a mother will always hold the highest significance during my existence here on earth. I don’t care who walks in or out my life, my kids will always be my main concern.
Kids. Plural. A baby boy that came from a man and a woman who decided to unconditionally love. A baby boy that came from a marriage that was worth the fight. A baby boy who came from a woman that was ready. He made me a mommy again and I will never regret that decision. I gave my husband the gift I’ve always wanted to bless him with and gave my son the kid he was meant to leave the best example for. This little blessing from God that was planned for in a relationship that is 100% sure of our future. A child that came into this world in the best possible surroundings with parents that are mentally, emotionally, and financially stable. The only way I ever wanted to have another child.
We all hear the horror stories that can come from a sour relationship between mother and child. To stigmatize having “mommy issues” to a child who grows up with a void in their heart because of a lack of love or attention. If there’s one thing in my life that I could guarantee is that my children will never doubt the love I have for them. They may not always agree with me or understand my decisions, but they will know that I will always have their best intentions at heart. I can’t verify that I’ll never make a mistake as a mom but Lord knows I’d give my life to see my kids smile. THAT is the only verification I need.