Unapologetically, me.

Demi Lovato said it best, sorry NOT sorry. There comes a point in every woman’s life where she should be undeniably comfortable in her own skin. A sign of growth, maturity, and wisdom. Quite frankly, not giving a F*CK what anyone thinks.  

It took me 30 years, two kids, and some traumatic events to get me to this point, thank god, because Lord knows how badly I fought to be here. Throughout my years I’ve been good to those around me, I’ve extended my hand to those I trusted and loved just to be left behind like an unwanted dog. I was invisible to those I would die for, a type of lonely not just anyone can understand.  Being passionate for those I loved was becoming a hassle and every inch of love I exuded was not being reciprocated at all. Those around me stopped being grateful and started becoming demanding, while I was soaking in all of that negativity. Way too worried about what they thought and how the world perceived me I continued to cave. Online I was this perfect ball of perfection as my real life was failing every test God gave me. That’s when I learned this simple two letter word and started taking control of my own life over others. NO.

No could possibly be the first word we utter as a child but after time it becomes harder and harder to speak. I was the “yes man.” Yes, I’ll help you out. Yes, I’ll loan you money. Yes, I’ll pick you up. Yes, I’ll listen. A term that people realized was a weakness for me, slowly taking my kindness for weakness. 

Not anymore.  No, I won’t help you out. No, I won’t lend you money. No, I won’t pick you up. No, I won’t listen. NO has liberated my future existence to become unapologetically, me.  I no longer search for acceptance through the power of yes and stop caring by the power of no. 

Telling someone no after the consistent confirmation of yes can really ruffle some feathers. All of a sudden, everything you’ve once said yes to has become oblivious to the one NO you responded. People’s true colors come out and you start pissing people off. I HATED pissing people off. I have a natural charisma to me that all who know me know I have. I genuinely like to be liked. I don’t like drama and if someone is upset at me, I take the situation by the hand and see it through. I don’t make excuses for my mistakes and will apologize, need be. 

Not anymore. I refuse to apologize for giving myself the time and effort I once gave to others. I refuse to apologize for my actions, regardless of who’s feelings I’ve hurt. I refuse to allow those I love to take my kindness for weakness. I refuse to be anyone else but myself, something I spent years searching to find. I refuse to allow anyone’s feelings effect my own, regardless of how much love I have for them.

THAT is beautiful. Being unapologetically you. Being comfortable in your own skin and owning who you are. F*ck what the world thinks. I don’t care if you think I’m fake, I’m being real to myself. I don’t care if you think I’m fat, my husband loves my curves. I don’t care if you think I don’t care, my actions have always proved that wrong. I don’t care if you like me because I love me.  

Moral of the story, I will always choose ME over YOU. 

I love you but I love me more.

All I’ve ever wanted since I was a little girl was to feel the emotions of love.  True and undeniable love.  The love you see in movies and crave for a lifetime. The fairy tale love that can do no wrong and only bring happiness and peace to your heart.  That is this vision that is built up in our brains from the moment we are able to recognize emotions. We prepare ourselves from a very young age to get married and have a family that we can be proud of but nobody ever prepares you for heartbreak and the feeling that consumes your soul on a level that you feel nobody can understand.

When the average person thinks about pain it is automatically associated with physical pain. The pain you get when you break a bone or have a baby. The pain you get with a migraine or with a stomach ache. Pain that can be subdued with a simple pill or time.  As a mother of two I can honestly say that heartbreak hurts more than giving birth.  It’s a pain that cannot be seen but feels like a million knives twisting through your heart, over and over again.  It lingers and lingers, becoming mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.  As the international day of love has come to an end and the roses begin to wilt and the balloons begin to deflate, reality hits. Love isn’t the fairy tale story that always ends with happiness. Love can end in heartbreak, something our five year old rambunctious brains would’ve never believed at the time.

Studies suggest that it can take half the length of the relationships duration to recover from a breakup.  While this may be true, a relationship can live for years with no love.  What does it really take to move on after you’ve opened your soul to someone? That’s what love feels like. The strongest form of vulnerability left at the hands of a person who can take your emotions from 0 to 100 within a matter of seconds. To most, that’s scary.  More and more people are embracing the single life because heartbreak is too hard to bare. Why fall in love when there’s a chance I can be brought to my knees with a pain that is shunned upon and can’t be explained?

Truth is, true love never dies.  Whether it ends happily or in heartbreak, your soul is opened to another human being and there is no turning back from that. You may have to love them so hard you have to let them go. Is it easy? Hell no. It lingers and sends you reminders at the worst times. It holds onto you so tightly you feel as if you’ve been swallowed whole with no chance of return.  It pains you so deeply it effects your daily routine and breaks any hope of happiness you may have thought you had.  Years and years may pass but the ones you love stick onto you like a leech, sucking every ounce of emotion out of you.  Does it suck? Yes. Is it frustrating? Absolutely, but love is not only limited to loving another soul.  While loving another person can take you to another world of happiness, loving yourself can take you to a universe of peace. Loving yourself can give you the strength to say “I love you but I love me more.”

A broken soul may be hard to bare but it isn’t impossible to recover from. It may take time and you may get frustrated but know that loving yourself will give you power, accepting the past will give you wisdom, and moving forward doesn’t mean that you’ve moved on but rather you’re stepping in the right direction. That is something to be proud of after heartache. The ability to love those you’ve loved from the sidelines but never forgetting who you love most. 

“You’ll be fine.”

You’ll be fine. 3 words that have haunted my existence for almost 10 years. Growing up in a large Mexican family in what some people would call the hood, depression is a sign of weakness. You show a little bit of vulnerability and all of a sudden, you’re weak. You literally feel like you can’t be true to yourself because those who are around you show no sympathy for any struggle you may be having. 

Here I was, late 20’s with the world at my fingertips.  I had a husband, a home, a good paying job, and a life I could be proud of so of course, I had no reason to complain.  I was a matriarch for my family and because I had it all together, I was holding it down for those around me emotionally without anyone asking me if I was okay.  Internally, I had never been so depressed in my life.  I allowed different vices to suppress my emotions because I was too coward to face them alone.  The second I would reach out to anyone I would be hit with the “you’ll be okay.”  Of course God forbid I gave that excuse to half the people I emotionally put on my back that needed support I would be shunned upon. Even worse, I’d be left alone.

That is the sad reality we live in.  The fact that there are an average of 121 suicides per day and we, as humans, deflect the thought of depression by comparing our struggles.  Just because you were fine, doesn’t mean they will be. I contemplated suicide on a number of different occasions because I felt as if nobody would listen to the pain that had lingered in my soul, burning any sense of hope others thought I was so full of.  I had given this hope of existence to so many people as my hope slowly dwindled from my finger tips. I lost myself and all I could tell myself was, “you’ll be fine.”  

I wasn’t fine. I was far from fine. I developed a self hatred towards myself due to a lack of understanding. I had no idea that my past was creating such a strong void for my future, because I ignored it for so long.  On the outside I was this untouchable ball of perfection and inside I had become this uncontrollable beast of unworthy love.  I wanted to die, to finally prove to those around me that I had a reason to be depressed.  

In November of 2015, after a family members complete disregard for my emotions, I snapped.  A nervous breakdown to my boss and the most vulnerable point of my life, had led me to therapy.  A move that will forever leave me grateful for the compassion my boss had for me that day, a feeling I had not felt for a long time.  

Therapy saved my life. It gave me purpose at a point in time where I thought I was worthless. I was diagnosed with PTSD from a home invasion I was victim from in 2009.  It took me 7+ years to realize that I had a reason to not be fine.  I had finally had the strength to tell myself “I’m not okay and I need help.”  Something that to this day, I still have to remind myself. I stopped being savior for all and started being a savior for myself. That backbone that tells me it’s okay to be off. It’s okay to be unhappy. It’s okay to be depressed. 

Never allow your background to define your struggles. Before you compare yourself to someone who is in pain, offer compassion. An act of courage that can save a person’s life. An act I wish I could’ve lent to my good friend Louie who I lost this past October.  You are not alone in your struggle of self love. It’s okay to not be okay. 

Love thy worst enemy...

Energy is everything. This uncontrollable force of chemistry and power, consisting of positive and negative space. Scientifically, energy is the utilization of resources to create power. How your energy is effected is based on your surroundings and the positive and negative beings that consume your space. Be aware of the company you hold.

However, it is you that controls your energy.  Mentally, energy is the utilization of resources to create power. Power of the mind is greater than any power known to man and without the nurturing of your own mind, you have nothing.  YOU are your worst enemy.  That subconscious influence in your ear that doubts your existence. You may not be exactly where you want to be but that subconscious makes you forget about where you’ve already been.  You may not have everything you want but your subconscious makes you forget about the necessities you already have.  

I know that subconscious all too well.  That was my mind telling me I wasn’t good enough. That I was incapable of keeping solid relationships because I was too damaged.  I had seen too much to turn back from so it would just be better for me to be alone. I doubted myself the hardest way any woman can, as a mother.  My existence was not worthy of anything because I doubted myself as a mother.   I was broken and I blamed myself, unknowingly of the trauma that had been lingering from my past.  I was my worst enemy and I didn’t even know it.  

There’s something about patience that should be said about energy.  As we age and experience the highs and lows life brings we gain wisdom.  Wisdom takes patience.  You're going to make mistakes, don’t beat yourself up about it. Sh*t happens. Just don’t get consumed in a pile and expect to like scraping yourself out of cow dung. It sucks, I know from experience.  Here I was late twenties mourning the loss of my cousin PISSED at myself for not having my sh*t together. Patience. I had patience for everyone and everything around me EXCEPT myself, not realizing I was surrounded by SH*T.

People not at peace with themselves are mean to themelves. Sometimes you need that solitude of time to look in the mirror and see what you have done to you. What does it take for you to be at peace without the influence of nobody or nothing.  To find yourself through yourself and notice those intuitions of doubt only for progression.  Walk away for a bit and watch how those around you react, those who have your best interests at heart will never question your motives for self truth.

Sometimes you just need to get away to refocus that mind of yours. Tell yourself I love you. Praise yourself when you’ve done something right. Laugh when you’ve embarrassed yourself. Cry when you need to get it out. Recognize when you’re wrong and stay humble. You can’t be at peace if you’re not recognizing when you need to change.  Don’t be so consumed with technology and say good morning or smile to those who pass you by.  You never know the demons they are fighting that quiver from fear because of your light. 

That’s all it takes. Every action has a reaction and if you’re good to yourself and those around you, you have no boundaries. You are your own worst enemy but your greatest support. Trust those instincts, you’re probably right.

Relationship, “goals?”

The definition of a goal is the object of a person’s ambition or effort;  an aim or desired result.  Well, what’s the result? 

Social media has started some serious trends over the years but one of my faves is definitely #relationshipgoals.  You see these cute couples with matching shoes and him lifting her up in the air above him, slightly touching each others lips as the background sunset illuminates the sky. Instagram blows up the post with 10k loves with hundreds of #relationshipgoals comments. Really?  GOALS?! 

Makes me think about my own relationship goals. Making sure my husband knows how much I love and appreciate him.  Telling him I’m sorry if I allow my mouth to take control. Remembering to kiss him goodnight and exuding love every single morning routine.  That’s what it is. It’s this routine that can get stagnant over time without the daily reminders of love and compassion. 

The goal for some is marriage.  Do I, as a married woman of 5 years, believe that marriage should be the ultimate goal?  Honestly, no. Marriage shouldn’t be the end all be all because it isn’t the end.  Life continues after marriage and if you’re just in it for the wedding, don’t do it.  I know people who are ten years in STILL paying off their extravagant weddings.  I know people who are divorced still paying off their over the top nuptials. Point is, don’t let social media gas you up on what a relationship should be.  The best relationships recognize the struggles and aren’t oblivious to the changes life brings.  I may not like my husband every second of the day but I love him every moment. I love his flaws just as much as his strengths. 

​At the end of the day anyone can take a nice photo but it takes a strong couple to recognize the ultimate goal, a happy life with your best friend.  The End.

After almost ten years, I'm here.

Finding myself.  I've spent years investing in reinventing my life.  I pushed to be the brand I created online and worked hard to forget my past.  But now, I'm here.  I'm surviving.  I'm not running away from my past and I'm facing my fears.  In today's world it's hard to truly be yourself. To be honest with what and who you are.  Be vulnerable to show those flaws that you've worked so hard to hide away.  I'm done hiding who I was and what I've been through.  My past has given me the ability to be the strong willed woman I am today.  Wise beyond my years, something I never could get right.  I had to break myself completely down to rebuild my foundation.  I'm a home that has been burned but was founded on good bones.  Nobody can break that.  Nothing can break me.