Every so often I find myself in a state of disconnect. After a home invasion in 2009 left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), every so often I experience symptoms of negative changes in my personality and mood. I begin to feel detached from society, leaving myself in disarray through the lack of interest that consumes my life at that moment in time. After intense therapy and self-reflection, I have been able to recognize these episodes as they come, a trait that has been life changing after all these years. Before I knew about the effects of PTSD, I loathed myself. This hatred and disappointment that I could never quite pinpoint, it is an internal emotion left for only my soul to feel. I let these emotions boil over so bad, sometimes wishing I was dead using substances to numb my emotions. I become disconnected.
More recently life has been on the up and up. I hoped that with the new changes my life had brought (new home, new baby, & new job) that my PTSD would somehow disappear. That my disconnection to the world would be forever freed through happiness and light but I realized that how I feel is out of my control. I have good days and bad days. My good days I’m on Cloud 9, feeling invincible to the pressures of the world and prospering in every aspect of my life with so much energy I can burst. My bad days I’m lower than the deepest ocean can compare. My mind wanders and I question my existence, with energy that is comparable to an injured slug even after a full 8 hours sleep. It’s a feeling I would never wish on my worst enemies, a pressure that feels as if my body is being crushed by the jaws of life. Anxiety that is debilitating, even when I have a smile on my face.
I’ve done a great job over the years disguising my depression on social media. I have been blessed to touch the lives of people who reach out to me for inspiration and positivity, even when I have no inspiration or positivity to give. My personality has always been one to worry about balancing the emotions of others without taking into consideration my own. I want to be able to continue the process of healing, as I feel as if it’s my calling but how can I do so during my down days? How can I positively impact lives when I suffer from a sickness that constantly reminds me that I’m not good enough to do so. I have to be honest, so honest that it hurts. To tell my story with no sugar coats. Raw and unrecognizable truth, whether I want to or not.
It’s moment’s like these that trigger change. Recognizing when I’m having an episode and not blame myself. It’s out of my control how I feel but it’s my job to take the steps I need to make sure it doesn’t continue, starting with disconnecting. Disconnecting to the world to reconnect with myself. Remembering who I am and the blessings God has given me. Seeing my illness as an attribute and not an inconvenience. My trauma has given me a power that only I can recognize. A fight within myself that I must battle, head-on, without fear.
Perfection is unachievable but I have become the perfection I’ve always yearned for. The ability to recognize when I’m not okay, even when my smile says otherwise. Bad days can only consume me if I allow them to. Disconnection from the world is better than disconnection to me.
To help others, I first must help myself.